I didn't really want to be here now ( although that was one of the first spiritual books i read)  and I've learned there isn't a next meditation or yoga class that will fix me and make me feel good or happy ongoing. I wanted to escape my life pretty early on rather than be with discontent, uncomfortable, painful feelings & be responsible for myself and my life. I wanted to feel better, feel good, feel something else rather than grow.

So, I split up with myself. I stopped using drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, coffee and sex at 20 and I used 'being spiritual' - being in a spiritual group, meditating, being vegetarian, chanting, yoga and grand plans of helping save the world outside of me. I got pretty high! Pretty ecstatic. Spontaneous mudras, energy surges, bliss. The parts that were uncomfortable I could just leave behind and the comfortable parts that I could more and more easily access with more and more meditation and reach higher and higher. The love I felt in meditations became further and further way from me. Unresolved fears stayed with me.

The left behind bits were waiting for me to come and find them and love them. Clusters of fear- depression, loneliness, confusion, self righteousness, desperation, neediness, pride, ..... What I needed most was to build a healthier relationship with myself and step by step love the challenges and feelings of growing up and being in the world and having self esteem.

Bridging this gap continues every day and sometimes the feelings have been so split off and judged it almost feels impossible to accept they are mine to love. Now I can meditate and be here which can serve this purpose. A key  has been to stay present with what I feel, to be here now. Another key is gratitude. I get the opportunity to recycle it all into usable energy.



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